Archive for July, 2010

And that’s where I stop for  doing some romantic reading- Where the Heart Leads. Seriously, Stephanie Laurens takes me to another world! It’s not only the romance she writes, but the way she describes it. It definitely takes over all your senses. The way her chosen words flow creates a perfectly enthusiastic and emotionally complex visualization gradually building up a sequential plot that you dive into.

To me, romance is something sacred, not anyone can get his hands and actually express the complexity of what our hearts feel so easily…So truly. So precisely and peculiarly. Yes, precision is essential when it comes to emotions. And Stephanie Laurence has definitely go them all. So vividly, lively and accurately!

Her writings offered me pleasure. It’s probably because she speaks our hearts out. And that standard typical conflict between Logic and passion that always persists, she expressed it so beautifully, so acutely!

I’m halfway through the novel, and so far, I’ve enjoyed the story I’ve carefully constructed under the direction of her narration. Soon enough, that world in my mind started buzzing with characters that I keep shifting from one setting to the other.

What actually made me buy the book was its title, because that’s what I tend to do actually, let my heart guide me. Sometimes, under the supervision of my logic. Yeah, that day I felt something… Something that made me want to read more into it… So here I am 😀 Reading, enjoying, and relating to a relevant world. 😀

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Remember that conversation I talked about two post earlier?

Yeah, about that, My friend went online the day after, and I suddenly felt I didn’t really wanna ask him about it. About that story.  I truly didn’t care, so why bother myself? It was trivial to me, to us, and guess there’s nothing more I needed to know…

We talked for a while, and then his good memory urged him to remember that what we were talking about yesterday wasn’t over yet. He brought it up again, and the talking kept going… It was obviously important for him too. A third party was involved here lol. He was a good friend of mine, and of his. He knew both of us good enough and that’s why he was pretty excited to know what has gone wrong. He told me whatever he was told, or at least all what he thought he remembered was told… I was okay with it, he was only stating the obvious.  He wanted to help. But guess it was already over…

We shifted to other topics, talked for a while, and enjoyed a delightful chitchat.

But once that was over, I had this weird feeling. A positive one.

I soon felt content. I was embraced with some weirdly smothered happiness. The way I got to see things have drastically changed. I look back at that memory only to smile, for no reason. I soon realized that my way is starting to clear up. It’s now wide and clear. And that subtle feeling of regret. Guilt. A subtle mixture of both i suppose… It’d faded. Yes, it’s no longer there in me. I can stare back at that memory without feeling the tiniest bit of nostalgia anymore!

I’m clueless of what has caused this sudden change, but I’m so glad it happened…

And here’s a bit of wot I’ve been listening to lately:

Just like a friend said, looks like Häagen-Dazs ice cream, only without the topping xD !

You probably never knew how much this mattered to me. And I don’t blame you. I never talk about it. And when I barely do, I don’t go into details. I know you didn’t mean to. You didn’t know what you were talking about anyway.

But. If you knew what bringing this topic up does to me, you’ll never spit it out. You’ll never press the letters of that name to your lips. I am not quite sure of what I wanna write right now, but I think anything would lessen the tension am in. This was the one thing that I truly wanted to work out and it didn’t. You don’t know that either, do you.

Seems, like I’m not the only one who still can’t possibly forget about it. He too was talking to you about it. He too couldn’t erase the thought if it. Maybe what he IS now, is only what he pretends to be. Just like me. But I don’t care, I don’t want to, and I’ll keep on forcing both my soul and mind not to !!! And obviously he didn’t tell you everything, did he?

You know what is really getting on my nerves right now?? It’s that you started it up and then you have to leave right now. Meaning, I’m gonna have to wait another god damn day until we talk again. Grrr…

I don’t even know why on earth am I angry!?! Why, why, why!?

Phew!

I try to take a deep breath, to calm myself down, and get over myself. I’m happy you didn’t get to look at my face when you started talking about it, because my friend, you would’ve seen my face change colours, my fingers fight as they rush the keyboard letters!! I just wanna forget everything about it, and this wasn’t helping.

Again, I know you didn’t mean to mess me up all over again. But it’s just him… And you don’t know about that either. At least not for now. Guess I wouldn’t maintain a peaceful state of mind until tomorrow. Yeah, not until you tell me everything he told you. Not until I get to understand. Not until you understand too. Because for the time being, neither one of the three of us seems to understand anything!!

As for me, I’m not quite sure if I’m gonna be able to hide the mess bringing that topic to life did to me. I’ll just manage.

I’m not so sure of how tomorrow’s conversation is gonna go either. I’m not so worried. I’ve got nothing to worry about, and couldn’t care less!  I don’t really know if I should tell you what’s behind the whole story, but once I get my hands on what you know, only then I can decide…

[ A couple of hours later… ]

I’ve spent some time with my family. Laughed much. At least I got my thoughts diverted onto a couple more things. I think things have calmed within me. And as things return somehow to their almost stable normal, I understand that this shouldn’t be my reaction. But then, I can’t help it. Anyhow…

*Sigh* What a small world this is…

I feel better, now that I’ve taken control over my reflexes.

And you, my dear friend, once tomorrow’s conversation ends, please do your best not to bring up that story all over again. I hope tomorrow is where it ends. But even that, I doubt it.  Guess it never will… Whatever. I’m up to whatever that may come… hopefully. 😀

As for tomorrow, you know we’ve got some serious talking to do haha ! Trust me, I can’t wait!!

I don’t want him. I don’t want his memories. I don’t want anything of his that still persists!!

You must be happy with yourself
You think you’re so much better than me
Why do you love to see me fail so much
’cause on that day you crawl back on your knees
Tell me who will save you

When there’s no one else around
And you can’t turn to me
Tell me where will you be
When it’s over
And all this pride you hold inside
Is gone
Tell me where will you hide
When it’s over
And everything you know is said and done
When it’s over, where will you run

Do your memories haunt your dreams
Do they simply seem to have a mind of their own
Tell me what the emptiness brings
When everything you know is everything but gone
Tell me who will save you

When there’s no one else around
And you can’t turn to me
Tell me where will you be
When it’s over
And all this pride you hold inside
Is gone
Tell me where will you hide
When it’s over
And everything you know is said and done
When it’s over, where will you run

You can’t hold your world together now
Everyone sees who you really are
When your castle crumbles at your feet
Don’t you run to me

When it’s over
And all this pride you hold inside is dying
Where will you hide?
When it’s over
And all this pride you hold inside has died
Tell me where will you hide
When it’s over
And everything you know is said and done
When it’s over, where will you run?

I’ve spent a day at the Botanic Gardens in Birmingham, UK and I was truly fascinated by nature’s sheer beauty. It was relaxing, amusing and definitely so refreshing!

Here’s only a few of my shots, Enjoy!

That's my favourite 😀

 

Behind the Bars...

 

And here we go again, some more rain...

I needed that visit before my Bio Alevel exam lol It would’ve helped xD

Not all you hear is true. Same with ringtones. There’s a reason behind it 😛

Does this thing even exist? haha Check it out!

Yeah they’re noisy, but atleast aren’t as discusting as public farts xD

There are times when you pause. You stop. You need a moment to grasp what’s really going on. A moment of understanding. It’s your moment of realization…

It’s been like a fast-forwarded chain of events. Feels like you’ve been running for so long. Events are crowding up all around you, and you need to spare yourself the resulting confusion. So you stop to clear everything up, to take your breath. Only then you can find the reasons you lack. Or simply come up with ones to back up these events.

And these reasonings, not only lessens the tension of the conflicted thoughts in your mind as the image becomes clearer, it also pushes you forward to an advanced level of thinking. And advanced level of acceptance. Realization.

Just like everything else, these realizations aren’t always happy and entertaining. No, there’s the other side to it. They could be dull and saddening. They could be the explosion of an endless series of  questioned analysis. Whatever it was, you end up with something that sounds so solid, so significant to you that strucks you, wakes you up, and opens other doors to a more open-minded you.

Today, I stop. I take a rest. I give myself the time to absorb my moments, to realize. To comprehend…

I took a moment to look at Mum, to the closest friend of mine she’s always been. She isn’t overprotective. She’s only being herself- My mother. I, like everyone of you, when it comes to speaking of our mothers, we can’t find the right words to lay down. They’re just the best. In everying. I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain sometimes xD

Then comes Mr. Awesomeness, My one and only brother. And these two, Mum and Bro, make my very precious, very small, family. My very sacred bubble of trust…

I move on as I enjoy staring at this paused filmstrip of my life. Next comes my circle of friends. An enormous one. I smile as I realize the beauty of it.

I soon understand that this isn’t the real one. My real circle of friends is small. Really small that only a few of these too many people have managed to earn an exchanged trust that made them go in so quickly. I have realized that I’ve rushed a lot of things. I’ve allowed others who didn’t deserve it to enter. I’ve taken jerks as bestfriends. I’ve trusted liers with my secrets. I was too kind to some that they’ve taken my kindness as weakness. I was so truthful with some that they’ve misunderstood that as me being shallow or naive. I wasn’t. I was only myself. And they didn’t deserve my company. This was the realization that made me understand they had to be kicked out. And quickly!

I don’t necessary have to cross them out of my life, but from now on, not anyone can make it to my world. I can sure keep those who are worth it close. But not closer.

I do feel left out. But I get over it…

My smile grows even wider, as I move on to another understanding. Another realization. Never feel sorry over losing something you’ve loved with all your heart, for definitely you shall be granted something far more beautiful. Something you deserve, for you deserve something better. I keep on saying this, everything happens for a reason! We might not get it now. Maybe sometime later. I’ve realized that some people live their lives searching desperately for love. They meet the wrong person, and let their love go to waste. Others are lucky enough to reunite with their soulmates forever. Some others might meet the right person, but for some reason they’re separated! Maybe it’s because he/she was never that so-called “right person”!!

I’ve realized that we shouldn’t run after things beyond our reach. What’s meant to be shall struck us in the wierdest ways possible! It’s all about patience. And when it comes to love, destiny shall introduce you to your significant other. 😀 Someday. Someday shall be your day…

Seems like this filmstrip is endless. There are way too much realizations to be listed in one post. And as I stare at infinity, I understand that some of these realizations, if not most of them, I’ve already realized them a long time before!! Maybe I was just not ready to say them out loud. Maybe I was too blind to see… Maybe I’m just to happy to let the overthinking begin. Maybe… Maybe I’m afraid of the complications these realizations bring.

But guess what? These realizations are quite worth it. Quite worth the thought. And the more you go through stuff, the more you’re going to realize, the more you’re  going to enjoy the memories it brings…

These were my moments of realization. What about you?  Are you ready to step up for yourself? Is it just about time to give it a shot and understand the life you’ve been living? Give it a shot. Open your eyes. And never,never let anything put you down! I’ve witnessed mine, and I know there are a lot more to find out. And I hope, I really do, this would help you stumble upon yours…

I feel warm. Happy. I love life. I love God.