Snapshot, As we exchanged goodbyes

Posted: October 1, 2010 in communication, Emotions, evaluation, Love, Randoms, Travel, Weirdness

We stood by the check-in counter.  He didn’t want us to go. He didn’t say it, but I could clearly read that between his unusually blood-shot eyes. His expressions were blank, like always. The same blunt smile, same pose, same rigid existence. He slid his right hand out of his pocket, slowly exposing them to the bright lights on top of them and everybody. His hand headed towards mine, held them. His hand was rough, and his large fingers wrapped mine as we shook hands. He then leaned his head towards mine, and gave me a gentle wobbling kiss on both cheeks.

“Take care” he said. He looked away.

“Is that all??” I wondered. I expected more! I expected something far more expressive, something emotionally tangible! And all I got was a very formal salute. Well it wasn’t too late to push him to  further expressing himself. It wasn’t the first time I had to do that anyway. I paused for a moment or so, gave him a witty smile then shouted… “And where is my hug? Don’t I deserve one??” He bushed, smiled innocently, then held me close.

I was happy, but not so happy. That hug was never as warm as it should. It wasn’t safe, wasn’t secure. Instead, it was trembling with some unexplained fear and complexity. It just didn’t feel as it should. I was meant to want to stay covered with his arms for long, so long. Instead, all I felt was myself pulling me away. Even that goodbye hug didn’t shorten the distance between the two of us to what it probably should, it never ate away that barrier of weirdness he’d shielded himself with, it never crumbled the cage he’d locked himself in.

And it apparently never will…

Something was holding him back. He was holding himself restrained!

After all, that was his decision, and THAT was it’s outcome – Emptiness.

I smiled, peacefully. Blinked, turned away as we left him on his own. On looking back, we waved bye bye and so did he. Off he was, and so were we.

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