Archive for December, 2010

It’s emptiness we all try to avoid. It’s this emptiness we all feel that pushes us to the ultimate peaks of despair. We’re all looking for something, for anything, that could fill up the void in us.  And we’re never tired. On and On it goes. We stumble upon people…Family, friends and so-called lovers… It’s love and the magical feeling of security it brings us that we all crave for. Peace and serenity; Peace of mind. We’re all in an endless search for these, in whatever form their illustrations were.

And sometimes… Sometimes the aching urge of having this sense of feeling – and being- complete, gets us rushing things, and going for the worst of choices. Blinded by the fantasy that we think lays before us and the “happy ending” we assume to be, we just end up going for choices that lack the tiniest bit of sense and logic.

We try so hard, we fight for what we believe in, for what we want- the fantasy. And we end up disappointed, for it was never up to our expectations. Well, guess what? It never will be. We’re all hurt, we’re all broken, but seems like we’ve all got used to it that we no longer care. Right?

As for me, I’ve decided not to go for this pitiful search. I’m no longer putting myself through anymore shit. I’ve decided to have a break, a mere pause, and rest. I need not search for anything. It’s just not about time. If there’s any fantasy to be witnessed then it’s going to get itself created, I’m not the one who’s going to do that.  I’m running after nothing.

I’d rather feel empty, because I know I’ll soon fill such emptiness with usefulness and boasting potentials.

My path shapes itself, and I ain’t taking no sidewalks, no shortcuts.

I’m a non-stop smiling puppet! And I’m happy 😀

Advertisements

She’s gone.

She’s had enough with the too much lies, the too much betrayal, and the too much problems.  She doesn’t want anymore pain. That’s it!

She’s not mean, and you know it.

She’ll keep an eye on you, but from a distance. She’ll watch you live your life, just like always. She’ll always wish you well of hope, the best of luck and pray, with all her heart, with every bit of living emotion in her, for your well-being. She’ll take good care of you, but again , at a distance. the distance you asked for. You went for it, she won’t stop you. But now she’s letting it happen.

She doesn’t hate you, and she never will. She could, but she won’t. She just hates your lying.  She’s always wanted to help, but you’re just not letting her. She’ll only step aside. She can’t handle any more pain. She’s letting you have it the way you want it. She’s letting you go.

She isn’t ready to become a part of a bigger lie herself. She isn’t a game, and never will.

She can’t have something you can’t offer, something you’re not willing to offer…

This is not out of nothing. This is only the outcome of your decisions… Your lies!

And even after all that, seeing you down and in sorrow makes her feel bad. Awfully bad! But it’s not up to her anymore. This is the one and only choice you left her.

She’ll remember… Everything. Forever, and always!

But she’ll be moving on.

 

Go To Hell ! :D

Posted: December 15, 2010 in Music

 

And I thought I was selfish!! I’m only too good for you 🙂

He stood by the edge of the wall. On his own. His earphones were plugged into his ears, like always. His music helped him escape the world, escape the noise, escape everything for something quite relevent, quite familiar to him. For something that made sense to him, but never to the world. He seemed to be waiting for something, looking for someone, but his senses were lost.HE was lost.

He then walked a few steps. He lacked focus, lacked precision, but simply loitered aimlessly. You can tell he wants something, needs something, but he himself isn’t quite sure of what it was. He slids his hands into his pockets, and walks away, out of the hall, away from the wall. Where to? He doesn’t know… He keeps walking along the edge of the road. Quiet or noisy he doesn’t really care, he isn’t interested. Miles slipped under his patterned footsteps, and he never noticed. He was busy searching himself for something far more significant, far more concrete. A piece of who he really is.

The road comes to an end, and he’s stopped by a park. Swings, see-saws and little children running here and there. Again, not of any interest to him, not good enough to make him smile. He reaches for the furthest end, throws his bag onto the freshly cut green grass, and sits down. He holds his breath deep inside… Closes his eyes, pauses then slowly lays his head onto the ground. He holds his breath even deeper, closes his eyes even harder, hoping no tear would escape outside… His brain isn’t so clear, yet he refuses to slip into another endless chain of overthinking.

He crosses his arms, and presses them strongly to his chest. He feels cold. He wants an end to all of this nonsense. He needs some meaning to his life, someone to look after, something to hold on to… he’s looking for usefullness. He’s lost the will. He feels empty, and the void is growing larger by time…

 

He’s just too blind to see that the answer is within himself, that he could quickly endup all this misery in one go, that if only he opened his eyes to see the world from another view, he’ll find himself surrounded by so much love, so much happiness, loads of little things that will certainly make his life a whole lot meaningful. If only he could see…If only he could escape himself, and his music, and get back to the world he’d given up on a long time ago, he’ll find lots of people waiting for him to come back. He’ll then realize that he wasn’t doing himself or anyone any good with the state of depression he’s decided to trap himself in. If only he could see, he would find that he’d hurted the ones who loved him for far too long without him noticing…

 

If only he could see… he’d understand it’s just about time to get back before he loses more…

 

Toss a coin

Posted: December 3, 2010 in Arts, evaluation, photography

I toss a coin… A reddish-bronze rusty 2p. I toss it high, watch it flip in the air, expecting it to fall back into my sweaty palms… on either of it’s worn out faces. Heads and tails have become pretty much alike. Instead it falls far away. So far away. Not in my hands, nowhere next to me. It rolls away, staggering… Not so sure of where it’s heading… It’s only away. So far away.

I toss you up high. I’m so happy with you. I expect you to fall back into my arms, but you just slip away. You roll away. And I ain’t running after you…

It’s been a while since I last blogged. It’s been too long, way too long and I was busy learning about this world around me. Culture shock? Not really. I adapted so quickly and easily. I made new friends, and still maintained the good intimate bond with the old ones. But things happen quickly… Too quickly… And sometimes it’s just too difficult to keep track of. Sometimes you just tend to keep it to yourself, to lock it within, and not to blab about it to the world. You want to, but you can’t. You won’t! For some reason… One that you also insist on keeping unveiled. Or maybe, just maybe, you haven’t got a reason in the first place…

 

It’s been a couple of months and it seems like 2 years. I’ve been through good days, really good days. So good that I just can’t find the right way to describe. And I’ve been through even worse… But one thing, just one thing, meant the world to me. And that, along with whatever incident that has got to do with it, has taught me a bulck of everything I needed to learn in one go, all in one shot…

And regardless of the means, I’ve learnt…I’ve learnt that we’re all smart liars. It’s the one talent that everyone excells at! The one option that people reach for… Then comes denial. We’re so good at denying sayings that are actually so true. People manipulate answers out of one another, just to get to the point they need to acknowledge. But who knows? That answer is probably another lie. I’ve learnt that I shouldn’t rush things, even if it’s feasable, even if it’s meant to be rushed, even if rushing into them is the only way to make them work. You need to stop and stop it spinning… Even if you don’t like it.

I’ve learnt that you can’t just be who you really are. People take advantage of that. You can’t let your innermost feelings show, you cant bring them to the surface, because only then u lose control for people take that as being naive.

I’ve learnt that you can never keep your loved ones so close forever. At some point, they’re going to leave. They’re gonna let go. Wheather or not you like it. A certain moments are just too good to be true, but thet can never last a lifetime. Afterall, a moment is only a moment, and that’s how long it should last. That’s how long it will last…You just can do nothing about it. People change, inside out, and you have to deal with it, to bear it, to bear the pain but keep it inside, hide it within.

I’ve learnt… the more you care and worry the more you get hurt… so it’s either you get used to that or never care, never give a damn! And by time, you learn how to suppress emotions, how to kill feelings, and how to let go… Because at some point, you’ll have to say goodbye… Thus, you’ll automatically find yourself doing all the former.

By time, this shield of distance grows along with the too much shocks we’re exposed to. And sometimes you endup shutting people out of your life for both their and your own good.

Things happen for a reason, i know that. But I’ve eventually stopped looking for such reasons. I no longer bother about knowing them. I take incidents as facts, that’ve only got to deal with, bear with, then move on.

I’ve learnt that people can never be 100% frank and open, even if you offer them your absolute trust. And once you realize that, that shield around you grows even larger, even tougher and stronger, and it makes it harder for anyone to break through… No matter how hard you try, they’ll never open up, they’ll never speak, so stop trying because this hurts.

 

This life is weird. As a matter of fact, it’s not life… it’s the people we deal with that are making it weirder and much more confusing. I’ve learnt that dealing with such people is difficult. I’ve learnt that everyone, absolutely everyone, is messed up!

Just as ironic, I’ve learnt I was stronger than what’ve expected myself to be.

And I’ve learnt, I can never change who I am. Not for anyone, not for the world!