Archive for January, 2011

Well, so far it’s been only 3 months since I’ve started learning Deutsch. And THIS is how far I’ve come! I know that later I’m gonna look at this and laugh, for my I shall hopefully become far more fluent  with the language. As for the time being, I’m quite satisfied with what I’ve covered…

So, there you go…

 

Letter für dich…

Ich habe dich geblieben. Das war vor so viele Zeit. Aber, ich will nicht länger warten! Es ist aus. Du bist für mich Nichts… Ich habe keine liebe für dich!

Du and mich? Zusammen? Nein, “uns” ist nicht rechtig! Ich gaube, es ist schwer aber ich kann dich leider nicht helfen. Lass! Lass und lass mich in Ruhe! Deine Geschichte langweilst mich und ich höre das nicht. Nie!

Warum? Frag mich nicht weil ich nicht sage! Du kennst meinen Antworten… „Es ist aus.“ Ich bin auf meinem Weg, allein. Ohne dich. Ich weiß, ich will immer einen guten Tag ohne dich haben…

Vergess mich!

Advertisements

Her eyes were drawn like magnets to him, running after his presence, following him to where-ever he’d go, looking for his face within the hundreds of faces in the crowd.She knew she could spot him out meters away, and she never failed it.

He smiled, gave her a deep piercing look, and walked away. Mingled with the people. She sat down, bye the edge of the table. Her eyes, still focused on him. She couldn’t help pulling them away. She tried, and everytime she did, she’d find herself gazing back at him… At his significance.

For a moment, she lost track of the world, and him. She drowned into a memory. Memories… She remembered how close they were, how very close to being one person alltogether. By each other’s side, she remembered…She remembered how he’d lay his head on her shoulders, safely placing them where they were sheltered. She remembered how he’d hold her cold hands, grip them and embrace them into his… How he’d hold her close, how he’d sleep by her side feeling as safe as ever, as secure as always… How he’d look into her eyes, so deeply, so truely…So promisingly!

All the places, moments and times where they were together flodded into her brain. All the words he once whispered into her ears echoed. His smell was everywhere… She drew a cranky, saddened smile to her ripe lips. These were beautiful days.

The pause was over, and she had to stop the replay. She was suddenly awakened from that surge of memories. It was now over. Something has changed, and she just doesn’t know what it is. She’s too tired to keep trying to figure it out along with everything else. Something is wrong, and she just can’t fix it on her own!

He’s somewhere inbetween. He looks quite hesitant to her. He’s hesitant, resistant, and so not the same. Something is about to slip out his lips, but he isn’t letting it out.  She just can’t dive into his thinking… And she can’t keep holding on on her own…

Soon, it was all over. Everything! She had to put an end to it, and she did. So bluntly, so sharply. What she feelt on the inside is none of the world’s business, is none of his business anymore. All he deserves to lay his eyes on is her mask of pride, bloody strength and boasting esteem. No second chances are to be given. If she were a game, his game, then she’s a one round game. If she were a game, then it’s game over!

She still falls back into the same frivolous pit of memories… She still remembers… She’s no other choice but to abide to her memory. But eversince then, her heart never ached. Afterall, a lie is never worth being missed, being craved for… being wanted. Is it? One lie could ruin the sweetest things of all, could crumble the highest walls and crash the stiffest worlds, ducking them into the grounds! His lies has made the pretty face of his she was once pleased to look at, now disgust her! A sad case, he became. An irony… An emphathy…

He deserved what he got. And she walking away is one thing she’ll never regret. Let his world crumble, he’ll build it on his own. Let his tragedy cure itself. Let him get over himself. She’s strong enough. She’s strong enough to stay away. She’s better off this way.

” Wake up. Get up! ” She tells herself. She knows she has to, but why would she? She doesn’t want to tap into the same silly routine, but there’s no other choice. She lays there under her cold blanket, staring at a blank ceiling. It’s sunrise. Light soon penetrates her curtains into scattered streaks that dimly light up the room. She sits up, yawns, then stretches. She gets off, moves towards the door, but is stopped to stare at the mirror. She looks at her blank face, expressionless. Her eyes roll over the edges of her reflection. She rubs her bloodshot eyes, moves her cold shivering fingers across her swollen lids, down her pale rounded cheeks and sliding off her chin. She stands there, feeling all her energies escaping her, and still gazing back at the floating existence right in front of her. It’s not herself she’s looking at anymore…

She lives in a world that makes no sense, around people lacking principles; A bunch of hypocrites. The void in her only grows bigger. She’s not empty, she’s only blank. Her heart can feel nothing towards anyone anymore. She’s dead inside. She’s wondering, why isn’t she bothered anymore? Nothing seems to matter, no one seems worth giving a damn about… They’re all pathetic liars…

She moves a step forward towards the mirror, towards her blank significance, and looks closer… Deeper. She fetches herself, and her heart, for the tiniest bits of emotions. She finds none. Seems like she’s sealed whatever feelings still alive in her, locked them up somewhere safe, somewhere far beyond the reach of anyone. They are not to be revealed, they are not to be brought to life.  Her emotions have faded within her and she just can’t do anything about it; she won’t! Being nice did her no good. In fact, she was too nice to the extend she seemed naive! From now on, she doesn’t care who she’s going to hurt on the way as long as it’s not her who’s hurting.  Mean and blunt, is what she is to be. Nice never works, and too nice has killed her.

She’s stoned in front of the mirror. She’s no longer gazing at herself out there, she’s only drowning into what that image reminds her of. She’s never hated who she was, who she really is… But now, at this very moment, she hates being the kind person she is; the person she was. That’s when stepping back into memories is a move forward. That’s when she slips back into a thought of the past with some sort of regret, and that’s when she decides all of this has to change… If that already hadn’t happened. She doesn’t see the world as a scene of disgust, but rather sees the people themselves disgusting. Twisted, two-faced self-centered hypocrites. Yup, as simple as that!

Their lies has made her world crash. Smart liars. Her logic is now reprogrammed. Love is a myth, goodness is a fairytale, and happy endings are fantasies she no longer believes in. Career is her one and only focus.  She smiles, and her solid reflection smiles back at her. She likes it this way: safe and shielded, peaceful and happy. The old her is laid to rest. She’s  wearing the same mask everyone else wears, but she isn’t turning into a hypocrite. She’s only building her barrier of safety, her borders to savor what she holds inside.

Because music always triggers one’s creativity…

I stand surrounded by the walls that once confined me
Knowing I’ll be underneath them
When they crumble when they fall
With clarity my scars remind me
Ash still simmers just under my skin

Indifference smile again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward?

Now I’m forced to look behind
I’m forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can’t you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you

Eerilly time made no change
Pointing fingers, laying blame
Lying over and over and over and over
Deceiving your mind
Dug my grace, trash my name
Yet here I stand so you won’t fade away

A different smile again
So much I hide
How is stepping back a move forward

Now I’m forced to look behind
I’m forced to look at you
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell which is you
Broken mirrors paint the floor
Why can’t you see the truth
You wear a thousand faces
Tell me, tell me which is you
Tell me which is you

I bleed inside
(Wanna Bleed)
Just let it out
(You gotta let it out)
Just let it out
(Gotta let it out)
I bleed inside
(Wanna Bleed Inside)
Just let it out
(You gotta let it out)
Just let it out
Let it die

 

You made my October crazy with suspense, my November the sweetest, and my December the weirdest yet the happiest: Weirdest, because that’s who you are, your bloody nature, and the happiest because ever since I’d kicked you out of my life, I’ve never been happier! 😀

– A tribute to an asshole xD

Goodbye 2010. I’ve enjoyed every bit of you! I’ve been through a lot, but after all that’s what makes you well worth being remembered. There’s nothing I regret, nothing I’m willing to forget, for I keep looking back at your filmstrip and laugh.

New year resolutions? Yup, got plenty of them! Most revolve around productivity and goodness. Needless to mention, a higher lever of maturity. 31/12 seems just like any other day. Atleast to me.

I never fail to find the bright side of anything and everything. I’m a non-stop smiling puppet and I like it. Happy? Yes I am, happy inside out. And this good-mood is well worth sharing.

May 2011 be the start of whatever goodness and positiveness that is yet to come. May it be the end of all misery and pain. May it bring us all happiness, all peace and security.

Happy New year everybody!

… And the countdown starts….

Love yourself for who you are. Be a better person. And never hold back whatever goodness in you. Fetch it out, and bring it to life, and help everyone all around you to bring out their goodness to life as well.

We live in a beautiful world. Don’t overlook it.

I thank The Lord for everything He’s blessed me with !