Archive for July, 2011

It’s crowded with people… From everywhere, going somewhere, off to nowhere. My bus is delayed… Just like always. So I sit back and wait as my mind draws me I to another vortex of thought…
What things have turned out to be is a climax I hate. I know that’s not all… More is yet to come, and am not sure if I’m up for that either. Things just pile up, just shoot me one after the other and I’m out there enjoying the unexpected I’m living… Not quite sure if “enjoying” is the perfect term, but it’s just a part of me that refuses to present such an “unhappy” attitude towards life… For even if I am I manage to stretch an elastic smile wide up to it’s elastic limit. Disturbed much?? Well who isn’t? 
This year has left me exhausted! I’m not the same person I was before I moved in overhere. I haven’t really changed to the worst, but not to the best either… There was a point where I was left confused , not knowing what is it that I’m exactly doing or heading to or even looking for. I  couldn’t really pin point where exactly do I stand… And this was such a mental stress for me, because it seemed as though I was undefined when who I am refuses being in such mental disturbia. It never felt okay, never felt right until I decided I had to restore some sort of balance to this so-called life of mine. I refuse to be a mess, and if that was the only choice then an organized mess is what I should be. All choices have left me empty and none of the presented ones suited me best. I had to come up with my own.  And it was simple… I had to understand that person called “me”. I had to explain myself to myself, And only then I could establish the equilibrium between mind and heart. 
What I am at the moment is someone am perfectly happy with… Strong and reserved… 
This year has pushed me to meeting weird people, loads of them… My circle of friends suddenly bursted… A lot weren’t good enough, a lot pushed themselves away, a lot kept a distance for reasons I respect… And amongst these is someone I really miss, someone I don’t really care about anymore and only a very few that managed to stay as close as possible… And these are the only ones that really matter at the moment…
I’m happy…and I mean it. What I learnt was worth what I’ve been through. Fair enough…
So everytime I look back to my overloaded memories, I couldn’t careless about what things could’ve turned out… The way things are at the moment is a climax I no longer dislike…

Words are powerful. Words are bullets… And shoot deep. Out of nowhere. Words are blunt, they hit hard. And quick… 
They’re playful, meaningful, blabbed and said but not necessarily meant . And it’s up to our consciousness or emotionally-driven logic to either accept them as they strike or interpret them into endless chains of thought. 
Words are bittersweet, but sometimes difficult to accept them as blatant facts. They’re slammed at you, sometimes too quickly, too swiftly, that it gets even harder to believe what they possibly convey… It shakes your existence… So suddenly that you just can’t come up with the perfect structured word-combinations to shoot back… And if you do, it never speaks your heart out… It never explains the mess deep in you… It’s only a wrapped package of sentences that rather hides your innermost turmoil…
And it’s never good enough, is it? 
Words are tools that come handy but not usually efficient and it’s always our fault we fail to correctly, honestly compound them to reveal ourself…
At some point, we choose to keep who we really are unexposed and what we truly feel unveiled, for once either of them come to life, we assume we lose control… And this is part of the messed up conventions we stick to, though deep down we despise. 
If only you could speak them out, speak them true, speak them just the way they are, just the way they’re meant to mean… 
Words are simple, we just overcomplicate them… Words explain themselves, we just fail to understand… Or rather succeed in twisting them into confusion. 
A time comes where all meanings entangle into scattered webs, and it gets pretty difficult, if not impossible to lay down the mess you behold as words to explain yourself, so you tap into silence… 
Silence isn’t passiveness,isn’t weakness either. It only preserves the power of words that would shatter one’s world if said… So I decide to go quiet, and keep it inside …. 

Where is Home?

Posted: July 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

Home? Not here, not there, not anywhere! Nowhere is just good enough to be called Home.

I still haven’t found somewhere worth settling in… Guess this time it’s gonna take me a longer time to figure it out…

But I know, someday, I’ll be coming “Home”.

 

Signs

Posted: July 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

He’s there. Everywhere . All around me and all over me. I can’t see him but he’s the one and only that I reach for. Always. He never let’s me down. I only crave for refuge, forgiveness… And he showers me with blessings … Support! Support that wraps the preserved dignity I hold within me … Support that I could’ve never made it without it! 
I’m not too blinded not to see the signs that lay before me… The messages that I stumble upon every now and then… Messages that puts me back on track before I’m about to go astray… And it holds me closer than before!! It could be trivial, minute and rather insignificant but it is what makes the difference! It is the test that were put through, one that most, if not all of us , sadly overlook. Sadly take for granted… Yet noticing them is what makes me happy.
I believe in Him. The Almighty. I believe in his extraordinary power and wisdom. He’s never bound to margins of human comparison for he defies all!! He’s one, he’s THE one! 
He’s all I seek , all I need and all I could possibly ask for!  
These are not any superficially constructed phrases I inconsiderately type. these are nothing but a trivial cluster of words flowing out of a heart that has decided to go pure with the one love worth craving for! This is only a quoted lust that had tasted the sweetness of faith.. A beautiful status of a mental quest for a soul-nourishing  chain of observations… Thoughts… And beliefs. 
I have found the love that rather strengthens, not weakens. The love that nourishes one’s heart, not shatters it. It’s given me a taste of what trust really is and how it should be. Love is blind , but this is reliable…  
And by the power He’s put in me, as minute as it is, as negligible as it is, I shall make use of every ounce of energy to try my very best and devote it into a sincere quest, a heart-rendered prayer asking for forgiveness and mercy, for refuge, and for a shield of his protection. 
He is there. Everywhere . And the more I reach for him, the more I’m overwhelmed with his presence, all around me and all over me… But even closer every time..  
He is there, and so are the signs. Blessed is he who notices them…