Archive for February, 2012

She loved keeping an eye on him, even at a distance. Her eyes screened the thousands of people for a face that matched the image of him she has kept intact in her mind. Her eyed rolled over the figures of people, until a match was found; until  she spot him. And she paused in quiet serenity. She paused at the details of his face like it was the first time; decent and loving. She would look away, just to hide the obvious, but soon her heart would drag her eyes, craving another glimpse of his reserved beauty. He looked back, and his eyes shrank as his smile stretched through his face. Her eyes grew brighter with delight, and so did his.

She looked away, but he kept looking. His eyes were finally following those who ran after him for days. She marked the spot where he stood safe in her memory so that she knew where to look back once more. Her face moved slowly, heading back to him only to make it seem as random as possible.
The spot was empty; he wasn’t there. Her heart raced in anger. She was now looking hectically in all directions all over the place, checking the spot on every round of searching. He still wasn’t there. Gone.

Her heart sunk in; disappointed.

Her eyes lost him, but her heart never did. She never felt easy not seeing him around. She didn’t care if they ever talked, just the fact that he was within close proximity, within visible distance gave her a subtle feeling of warmth… Of safety… When he wasn’t there, here eyes will start scanning every possible where just to fetch him, just to hunt him down. And she would never give up until she offered herself the pleasure of seeing him, of looking and falling into him… Once found, shed capture the looks of him, add it to the mental album of him, and close her eyes. His figure floated. A few minute glimpse were never enough, but that was when dreams came in handy.

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He has always been there. Both his absence and his presence has filled her with a burning lust; an addiction that runs deeper into her blood with every day… And she can’t help but fall for it. So deeply… So peacefully. Her eyes run after him like shadows that never leave, stuck to him wherever he goes. She could spot him out of a thousand people. She never failed; it was a talent her heart was gifted. And every time she did, her heart beats raced, her body froze in a sweet chill and her face lightened up with an involuntary smile that slowly craved its way through her twitching lips. 

He was there, at a distance. Her heart ached. She wished she could just run into him and  fall into his arms. Helpless and protected. Just like a little child running to the one thing it has ever known. His decent presence slowly hypnotized her; all what was around her seemed to fade… All but one, all but him. Deep inside she craved for him, his voice, his bright face, his piercing eyes, his messy curly hair… Everything.

Her mind blacked out, transferring her entire world into a fantasy. And it wasn’t the first time. The tiniest bits of him or anything that has got to do with him would transform her world into a film strip, starring him. And she loved every bit of it. She waited for anything. She wanted and needed anything that could keep pumping his thought into her. And when she got carried away, Memories took on.

That whirlpool of lust and love never seemed to cease, taking hold of her stronger everyday. And she was okay with it. She was happy. Her heart starved for him, and if she couldn’t keep him by her side longer enough, then she was determined to transform anything she could get her hands on into magic that could bring his beautiful presence to life. And she did that. Vividly.

Without him she’s a moaning child, weeping lost and in search for the way back to home.He was the meaning she lacked, and the life she needed; the fantasy she’s always dreamed of.  And he made it true. He held the key to her eternal happiness. Lust. It was more than just that. It was more than just random emotions. No. It always materialized into concrete faith. Faith in what she honestly and truly felt. faith in him.

Her mental black out was over, yet he was still there. A distance far but closer at heart. The same smile was still stuck on her face, and how could it fade away when all what fills her with life and ecstasy was right there in front of her bewildered eyes? He was the solo her heart played; a solo that only her ears could listen to…A melody that only her heart mastered every note.

She sighed, tilting to the wall as she lost herself into her emotions. Into him. He was happy, and she felt likewise. He smiled, and it just reflected back on her face.

He was the perfection she once thought never existed.

The water has never been more tempting. With the waves growing wilder than ever, hungry for anything and everything, she has never been any more comfortable standing on that rocky shore she’s always loved. She stood there, on her own, feeding her thoughts into the waters. It was all she needed; somewhere for her thoughts to drown. Waves splashed and slashed  her bare feet sinking into the muddy ground as if calling for the winds to join, and howl along. And it did, turning the whole scene into an angrier watery distortion. But it never got her scared, she never made it possible to give in to fear. And it was only because she has had enough of it on the inside, and now it was just about time to throw them away, to choke them in angry waters, just like she felt… Only expressing it quieter.

She had too much to get rid of, too much to throw away if she wanted to move on, to forget. The former was feasible, but the latter has always been the boulder she could never move away. And that was when it struck her that she doesn’t have to… After all, it was what craved her into that shielded statue that stood there. Bold and daring on the outside, and extremely emotional and tormented on the inside.

The sea was giving up on her; her thoughts bored it. The waves eased, the winds walked away in an ignorant whistle… They both crawled away… Leaving her standing there, watching the dim broken sun rays slowly cracking through a blackened sky. It was dawn already.

The quietness of her room was deceiving. It was only giving rise to the sounds in her mind to grow louder, her consciousness was haunting her, driving her a few more steps closer to insanity.  Wilder they became, forcing conclusions into truth and screaming them louder into herself.  The room on its own was repelling. The void in her grew wider and deeper, eating her patience away.It was piercing. But she never whined, she just let it pile inside. The more she piled, the emptier she felt, until her emotions took hold of her. She burst into an emotional explosion.

Out she was. Walking should lessen the tension. Walking should crave a path for the anger to flood away.

The sun slowly set into darkness. The streets weren’t any quieter than her room, except for shouts here and there that she never seemed to hear, that she never seemed to focus on. All of her senses converged and directed towards one thing. Just one thing that she could think of. Just one.Street lights started to dimly light her path that never seemed to end. She never wanted it to. And it never did. Her breath fogged up the few inches in front of her face. Her body chilled, if not shivered. It was cold. But it was all she needed to cool off that angry maniac she was becoming.Her bloodshot eyes hid behind a pair of eyeglasses smudged with tear drops. They were too much for her to wipe them off, so she couldn’t care less. They rushed non stop.   She never liked looking to the ground while walking, but it was the only way she could hide them. If only it rained, she wished.

Her legs dragged her to nowhere, with the one question still chocking her; Is it really… really… over? Her heart ached as her mind spoke these words, and she felt that her entire world collapsed… She felt she crumbled into pieces. She kept the volume of the beat she fed into her ears to a maximum but it never pushed the thinking away. It never killed that thought. Disturbing she found it, and disturbed she became.

People. The last thing she needed to deal with at that very moment yet the one thing that slowly started filling up the once empty streets. She had to stop the crying; it should never show! Her heart only wept on the inside. Pressure build up, and the more she thought into it, the faster her pace became. She came by a green area with fewer people, if any. She scanned the few meters around her and when she was sure nobody was looking she burst into tears. Still, silently.

Crying is a power we all possess. A natural tranquilizer that could suppress the pain we feel, if not subside it. Tears melt the hurt out of our solidifying hearts and washes it, crystal clear. Tears are an uncontrolled timeless proof of sheer honesty; they fall out only for those who deserve. They favor you best when words die out, they favor you best when you need them most. They explain. They pierce. They mean the world to those who matter, and they last forever. Cry; tears will comfort you.No one can blame you, a few will understand, and only one will wipe your tears; if not cry along. Never regret it for it’s always true. Cry when you need it, because you do.

Cry. You’re never too old to.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Let the rush of warmth stretch your lungs. Let the rush of blood flood your heart with life. Set your mind and heart free. Set your soul free. Smile.
Let it pull your lips wider, let your cheeks bulge into blushing circles. Don’t speak,  let your gesture do the talking. Let your countenance explain. Keep your eyes closed; it’s not over yet.
Keep smiling…

Search yourself for happiness. Search your memories for good old days, search your contacts for people worth loving and living for, worth smiling at; people who never fail to stretch that smile even wider !
Flip your problems to other sides where you can embrace them from a more positive prospective. Find happiness in everything, because there is always the bits that we overlook; the little things that matter  the most; the little things that make us nothing but happy.

Smile, because it’s powerful. Smile. It means a lot to those whom you matter the most to. Smile, because it will make you feel better.
It never hurts to smile.
Smile. Different it is from one another, it explains.
Smile; it’s a perfect mask to your agony and a better shield to further distress. .
Smile; When honest It is piercing, it shoots deep… It’s blatantly pure. It sows the seeds of hope, it speaks hope.
All it will take is a smile.

You’re only a smile away.

Eventually, agony will urge you to smile. Shed that grumpy face away. the happier you become, the wider it becomes until it’s a facial theme.You might not know but It really matters.
Smile.

My mind shelters a never-leaving thought of you. Flood me with memories, shoot me with whispers that echo forever-after. Take hold of me.

If I cant be there, I’ll structure myself and my emotional wilderness into tamed words. Words will stay. Words always will. My words never give up on my beliefs; my words never give up on you. My words will fight the world.

Distance pushes people away, words bring them closer. Miles away, my words will search sentences reaching for you… And they never fail. My words are living shadows that I leave behind to surround you, to remind you, and to reassure you… A continent away, I’ll still write because just as words bring my absence to an end, it brings your presence to life. And it’s all I’ve ever needed.

Words keep it easy, words eat away the growing emptiness. Words bring me to life, closer to serenity, closer to you. My words are never scared; never scared to tell, never scared to leave an impact…

And when I’m gone, they’ll still hover. They never fade…

Simple they are; powerful they’ve always been. Honest they will remain.

Change. Not so easy for some; not an option for others. Yet this is not the problem; Waiting is. Along with waiting comes disappointment. A shot after the other, and we still choose to wait. Deep down, we believe in them… Deep down, we might possibly still hold some love for them…

It takes a pretty good share of time until reality starts to sink in; They  will never change. And it takes even longer for you to believe this… You might choose never to, and stick to the waiting and wasting of time… It goes on and on, until you just give up. Once more, They will never change…

A dead end? Now what?

Hatred has never been an option, even though it’s all you could express on the outside. Love has never been one either, despite the tiniest bit implanted by birth and  left deep within… Deserted. You keep hoping one day it dies out… but it never does…

Acceptance becomes the best choice of all. If they’ll never change, then accept them for who they are and let your scars of disappointment heal. Just like it’s said, No expectations, no disappointment. Nothing will be so surprisingly painful once you’ve been accustomed to an expectation peak kept to a minimum if not demolished.

And you carry on from that point depending on how much love is left in you…

After all it’s not necessarily that they never loved you back, it could rather be that they never learned how to bring that love into any form of life what so ever! They could’ve possibly tried… Though in all wrong ways. Failure, they refuse to admit and our desire for the least bits of our right to feel love, they never understood.

Whether they’d ever tried or not, it no longer means anything and whether they’d ever felt something in the first place, failed to show it, express it or even chose to hid it… it doesn’t really matter anymore; they’re there. They contribute to a great deal of our lives; to our agony, to our waiting and to our disappointment. And it’s become a default.

So we accept them; for good, if any, and for bad. Because deep down if we no longer love them, we still remember that one day we have. And the memory pays off…

So change while you can, bring what you feel to life. Say it; out and loud… It could spare others the pain, and save whatever that’s left of feelings before they die out.
Change while you can, before distance eats purity away… because at some point, even if you do, it will be too late to pull yourself out of the zone of “Acceptance”.