Time

Posted: March 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

letting go is hard. Holding on was even harder to start with. And that makes the latter one of the ugliest decisions ever. I barely get committed, and when I do, then that’s a huge leap. Because when I do, it becomes a priority that grows in importance with time. Choosing to crumble the whole thing, to fall and to shatter into pieces becomes a bigger obstacle. A problem. The fact that I’ve come across considering that in the first place is itself a bigger problem. Why? I keep asking myself.

I have learned to trust my heart, follow it wherever it may. And it has lost me.  I trust my feelings, and they’re now on alarm. Something is wrong. I might not know what it really is, but I know it’s there. And that’s probably why.

Letting go is hard. Because I know once I do, there’s no way I’m bringing you back in. I don’t want that. It hurts. Expectations have failed both of us. Disappointment is eating me away, and asking “why” on and on is dragging me to a dead end, to a closed zone that I don’t like.  Show me that you care. Show me that I matter. Prove that I’m your special thing. Not in words, but in actions.  I wont beg for these, you should’ve known. I wont wait until I’m replaced. I hate coming second. You should’ve known.

Trust persists, but understanding does not. And right now I need to understand. Or… Maybe not. Maybe I already do. I already know. I already noticed. Life has prepared me to accept losses, and prepare for them. But I don’t want it. Nobody does. I am running out of patience. I am running out of chances. It only takes the tiniest bits of actions to crumble one’s world. I’ll stop running after reasons. I’m tired. I’ll abide to the distance. Waiting is taking too long. It better end now.It only takes one ignorant action to push me away. Further away.

The more broken I am on the inside, the stronger I rise on the outside, the harder I try to make it matter less.

Letting go is hard. And keeping a distance is only a preparation, just as hard.

Time could be the answer. Time could be the task. Time could be the tool.

Time could be the problem.

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