Archive for April, 2012

Untitled was this chapter

Posted: April 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

I stand today, at the same point I stood a few years ago.

So well I still remember. So well I remember the promise I made to myself not to break my heart again. And today, I realize I have broken both my heart and promise.

No remorse. No more remembering. It’s a climax I can’t avoid, and I don’t want to. I shouldn’t.

Writing gives me the power to speak when I refuse to. Writing gives me the company I need. I write, because I need to. And right now; I’m writing because I have a weird urge within myself to blab words that expose nothing; or rather everything, I’m not quite sure.

I write, because it’s far more easier than talking; far more authentic and genuine. Sedated it draws me to spill the ache within. Numb I choose to be, because emotional is a state I refuse to bring to life anymore.

Eternity is a myth. Eternal is only a state of fantasy. And this is where my fantasy ends.

Regret? No, I won’t go for that. Regret is only a waste of time. Regret is rather the verge of adversity. I don’t want that. I don’t believe in that. Regret is useless. Regret is a waste of mental and emotional power. And I no longer can afford that.

Breathe. Peace shall flow deep within. Breathe, you are still alive.

No more quest for answers. No urge to know. I now pack my timeline into a memory; a really good one. One that was well worth living, worth hurting for; worth not regretting.

At some point it meant something. At some point, it meant everything. And from everything to nothing is a free fall we can’t escape.

Weakness is not a state I want to abide to under any circumstances. I accept the life destiny prepares us for. Conflict is where what we choose to expose and what we force ourselves to suppress collide within ourselves. Apparently, it’s how we all function; under a crust that never peels away. Life is a classic masquerade.

I won’t look back, yet I won’t forget; a memory now packed and sealed into remembrance. Time won’t wash it away.

I’m happy it happened.Really.

I’ll still write. I’ll still mark my feelings into words; because words are the one thing I still believe in. I don’t care what image they shall expose to whoever reads them, but I won’t involve my words into the same masquerade we all hide behind. My words are powerful tools; not fragile masks. I don’t care what your brain decodes them into or believes they imply; as long as I’m certain they reveal what I have always wanted them to reveal. Truth.

A chapter comes to an end. Untitled it was; unwritten it shall always be. Masked it will stay.

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As the road slips by

Posted: April 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

Fall back, remember. Close your eyes in reminiscing. Breathe in, slow down; one memory at a time. Fall back, stare at the window to your side. See through the stains on its glass. Watch the road run after you; watch it fall behind. Watch the street marks repeat themselves in patterns, see them slip behind the wheels. Look for the edges of the sky, and let the horizon drift away into the clouds… And drift along… Into your memories…

There’s always this one person that automatically draws a subtle smile on your face once you collide with a random memory of his. 

He could be the person you miss, whose memory stirred up the feelings you felt in his presence. It aches, but you still smile. He could be the person you no longer talk to, the person who’s now tagged with a title of “I used to know”. And you still smile, because at some point it felt good to know, it felt good to talk, and it felt good it happened. At some point on your timeline, you felt happy. He felt happy. And both of you enjoyed it. And I’m not quite sure if this is a sheer smile out of absolute reminiscing happiness of remembrance or is it a subtle smile masking the pain within, covering up for the agony you hold within as you miss what you had. Or maybe… It’s a  smile stretching out of the strength you were first introduced to as you tried so hard to move on, to create a void and fill it up on your own… But  you still smile at what you were and what you are. 

Sometimes…  it’s neither of the previous Scenarios, or it’s all of them in one shot. But it doesn’t really matter, because either way, you’re smiling…

I cushion my head into the window seat in a bus that tickles me with every road bump. I stare. I fall back. Into you… Into a memory that leaves me smiling; that leaves me in peace. 
The music seeps into my ears, stretching that subtle smile into a wider one with teeth shining, cheek-dumplings and everything as I shape your face in my head. 

I’ve never been happier, never been safer. You leave me in harmony. You’re not there. You’re nowhere near, but you never leave. The blend of ecstasy, peace and love that you have dragged me into eats away the remorse. 

I still smile, because sometimes it’s the one gesture that you can show how grateful you are to have this one person in your life. 

So smile if you have him.
Smile, if you had him. 

The road still slips under the wheels; and so is our lives. Make the most out of it. Smile at all costs.