Archive for the ‘hope’ Category

A long break this has been. A good one. One I was desperately in need of. I escaped. There has been a life I quit, people I ran away; to and from, a whole world I chose to leave behind. I thought it would help me keep my mind off everything, but no. Quite the contrary, it gave way to thinking, which I eventually realized I need quite as much.

The outcome was: change. Sheer change. Blunt and bold. Drastic. I needed such solitude for such amendments to take place. And it did. And still is.

Now my break comes to an end. So does the world I have created for my own during what I could possibly refer to as: spiritual rehab. I am reintroducing myself, once more, into this life. I am reintegrating myself, or rather, the newer version of myself.

Change is good. It feels better, stronger, and if possible, much much more certain and mature. Throughout this time, I’ve found peace. my thoughts ripened.

Change. It’s not over. And that’s the challenge now; to maintain the outcome of a rough time.

Putting up my genuine 15 inch smile, I start over.

I write, read and paint.
That’s how far I’ve been meaning to communicate with the world. For a month? A couple more? It’s taking a little bit longer maybe… Both my conscience and sub-conscience have finally reached an agreement; they seem to revel in my solitude.

Away, the winds of change carry myself. Further away, I elope; with a mind seeking rest and a heart though it has lost its remedy, now healing.

I settle in a parallel world I’ve established for no one but myself. Reserved. Soul safe from a life I quit, mind off from regret only to salvage remains of a heart now beating in a duplicate of a life.

Fragile, it beats. It echoes, louder; louder than the distortion of memories. Piercing. Yet it beats. Faster, in rage.

Soon it fades, forcefully, to a soul that strictly forbids reminiscing. Not now, better never. It fades, to a mind scraping off the hooks of the past. Evacuated, empty. Bleached clean.

It can’t be missed. For every time the thought is unleashed, the feeling escapes, spreads; parasitically. Remembrance drags you back into a clinging past, throwing hooks that rip right through the flesh of a barren heart. It will ache. It will rip the peaceful world you created apart. Unwelcomed, It will stay. Tangled, it will grow.

It can’t be missed. You cannot! You don’t have the right to. What for? You can’t. No, you can’t miss it.
It will only blow your world away. Mind is a mess, heart is a wreck, and soul is forsaken, too weak to fight. Such a feeling is an expense no longer afforded.

Away, I still am. Reveling in the strokes of my brush, dancing to the meanings words behold. Building up the pillars of a world I’ve escaped into, cherishing mind, heart, and soul.

It’s empty and quiet. I can hear my footsteps echo in silent squeaks as I slide myself onto the polished maple floor. Poorly ventilated; yet always so sedating.  My eyes reach for the rack. I grip a basketball in hand. So tightly, as the pressure escapes my fingers. I stare as my thoughts begin to unleash. I spin it; and my world spins along.

Re-ignited; with adrenaline and a fair state of mental turmoil that competes with the energy. Or actually rather creates it. The building pressure eases as I shoot. An air ball. I shoot again. Another air ball. A surge of aching disappointment runs through me, and I know, it’s not the shots really; it’s what brought me down here in the first place. I soon find myself stuffing the ball through the rim and into the net in agitation. Way better, it feels. Mighty.

I try to sort my thoughts out, and relatively my life. A free throw. My thoughts stealing my shots away leaving me throwing bricks. I’ve been rather blocking myself from tapping into them; but it has always felt safe here. Here, I am my own master; I offer myself the pleasure of creating my own base-lines and securing my every detail I need to share within these. Reserved  intact and secure. I keep shooting; and thinking along. My life rebounds.

I am soaked in sweat; but it makes me feel alive. I’m tired; not from the playing but from the way my thoughts turned out to be no more than a bounce pass. The shooting has never stopped; but this time it’s more precise. My energy starts to fade, and along with the soothing ache in my muscles my mind seems to clear itself up. My thoughts scattered in the air. Empty; my brain rejoices.

A few thoughts still linger though; but I want them to. I need them to.

The quietness grows beautifully intimidating. My heart dribbles. It’s one last decision to make; one last shot.

Swish.

Dedicated to a friend,
in an attempt to know what it’s like to be in his world...

That bridge I’ve crossed. A few years ago… Across these streets and alleys I’ve walked, and by that same river I’ve waited… I’ve remembered… Piled my memories into pebbles I’ve thrown into these shimmering waters…

And before I was gone, I slipped a silent wish. Whispered it into the ears of these stones… In agony, I left it behind to float, then sink; along with my heart.

Photos hold memories intact. Photos revive feelings we’ve suppressed… Or rather oppressed. And upon looking back onto that; I can see myself float in an ocean of emotions, very similar to the one I’m trying to escape now.

It feels good to remember. It feels good to relate.

She loved keeping an eye on him, even at a distance. Her eyes screened the thousands of people for a face that matched the image of him she has kept intact in her mind. Her eyed rolled over the figures of people, until a match was found; until  she spot him. And she paused in quiet serenity. She paused at the details of his face like it was the first time; decent and loving. She would look away, just to hide the obvious, but soon her heart would drag her eyes, craving another glimpse of his reserved beauty. He looked back, and his eyes shrank as his smile stretched through his face. Her eyes grew brighter with delight, and so did his.

She looked away, but he kept looking. His eyes were finally following those who ran after him for days. She marked the spot where he stood safe in her memory so that she knew where to look back once more. Her face moved slowly, heading back to him only to make it seem as random as possible.
The spot was empty; he wasn’t there. Her heart raced in anger. She was now looking hectically in all directions all over the place, checking the spot on every round of searching. He still wasn’t there. Gone.

Her heart sunk in; disappointed.

Her eyes lost him, but her heart never did. She never felt easy not seeing him around. She didn’t care if they ever talked, just the fact that he was within close proximity, within visible distance gave her a subtle feeling of warmth… Of safety… When he wasn’t there, here eyes will start scanning every possible where just to fetch him, just to hunt him down. And she would never give up until she offered herself the pleasure of seeing him, of looking and falling into him… Once found, shed capture the looks of him, add it to the mental album of him, and close her eyes. His figure floated. A few minute glimpse were never enough, but that was when dreams came in handy.

He has always been there. Both his absence and his presence has filled her with a burning lust; an addiction that runs deeper into her blood with every day… And she can’t help but fall for it. So deeply… So peacefully. Her eyes run after him like shadows that never leave, stuck to him wherever he goes. She could spot him out of a thousand people. She never failed; it was a talent her heart was gifted. And every time she did, her heart beats raced, her body froze in a sweet chill and her face lightened up with an involuntary smile that slowly craved its way through her twitching lips. 

He was there, at a distance. Her heart ached. She wished she could just run into him and  fall into his arms. Helpless and protected. Just like a little child running to the one thing it has ever known. His decent presence slowly hypnotized her; all what was around her seemed to fade… All but one, all but him. Deep inside she craved for him, his voice, his bright face, his piercing eyes, his messy curly hair… Everything.

Her mind blacked out, transferring her entire world into a fantasy. And it wasn’t the first time. The tiniest bits of him or anything that has got to do with him would transform her world into a film strip, starring him. And she loved every bit of it. She waited for anything. She wanted and needed anything that could keep pumping his thought into her. And when she got carried away, Memories took on.

That whirlpool of lust and love never seemed to cease, taking hold of her stronger everyday. And she was okay with it. She was happy. Her heart starved for him, and if she couldn’t keep him by her side longer enough, then she was determined to transform anything she could get her hands on into magic that could bring his beautiful presence to life. And she did that. Vividly.

Without him she’s a moaning child, weeping lost and in search for the way back to home.He was the meaning she lacked, and the life she needed; the fantasy she’s always dreamed of.  And he made it true. He held the key to her eternal happiness. Lust. It was more than just that. It was more than just random emotions. No. It always materialized into concrete faith. Faith in what she honestly and truly felt. faith in him.

Her mental black out was over, yet he was still there. A distance far but closer at heart. The same smile was still stuck on her face, and how could it fade away when all what fills her with life and ecstasy was right there in front of her bewildered eyes? He was the solo her heart played; a solo that only her ears could listen to…A melody that only her heart mastered every note.

She sighed, tilting to the wall as she lost herself into her emotions. Into him. He was happy, and she felt likewise. He smiled, and it just reflected back on her face.

He was the perfection she once thought never existed.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Let the rush of warmth stretch your lungs. Let the rush of blood flood your heart with life. Set your mind and heart free. Set your soul free. Smile.
Let it pull your lips wider, let your cheeks bulge into blushing circles. Don’t speak,  let your gesture do the talking. Let your countenance explain. Keep your eyes closed; it’s not over yet.
Keep smiling…

Search yourself for happiness. Search your memories for good old days, search your contacts for people worth loving and living for, worth smiling at; people who never fail to stretch that smile even wider !
Flip your problems to other sides where you can embrace them from a more positive prospective. Find happiness in everything, because there is always the bits that we overlook; the little things that matter  the most; the little things that make us nothing but happy.

Smile, because it’s powerful. Smile. It means a lot to those whom you matter the most to. Smile, because it will make you feel better.
It never hurts to smile.
Smile. Different it is from one another, it explains.
Smile; it’s a perfect mask to your agony and a better shield to further distress. .
Smile; When honest It is piercing, it shoots deep… It’s blatantly pure. It sows the seeds of hope, it speaks hope.
All it will take is a smile.

You’re only a smile away.

Eventually, agony will urge you to smile. Shed that grumpy face away. the happier you become, the wider it becomes until it’s a facial theme.You might not know but It really matters.
Smile.