Archive for the ‘Weirdness’ Category

A long way to go

Posted: September 28, 2012 in photography, Randoms, Weirdness
Tags: , ,

Our little new friend

Had it been easier, if only we were so little. So tiny and minute… So insignificant?

I honestly have no idea how my friends and I spotted that. And for some reason, as awkward, random, and pointless as this is, we managed to establish a weird bond with what has become our new friend… For a fraction of a second.

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Fear is weakness; and I’m not weak. Fear is numb, but I feel. Fear is restraint, so I decided to break free.

With every word you’re afraid to speak, there’s truth that is buried down, feelings that die out, a life that is vaporized. With every step you’re afraid to take, there’s a chance lost; once and forever; once and for all, there’s time; the wait that drives people away.

There is regret. This time, rather for what you didn’t do, what you didn’t say, for the one moment you let it slip away.

In the name of Fear, I regret… The words I was too weak to speak, the chances – from the tiniest to the biggest of them- that I was too scared to take, the life I was too fragile to hold on to, to fight for, to run after, to chase with every ounce of energy and to cherish with every heart beat.

In the name of Fear, I apologize; to myself, to people; the closest of them and the most distant, and to the world. I apologize… For escaping, for running away; for denying myself the right to exist; to feel, for hiding; from a reality I thought I was too shattered to face, too helpless to endure.

I am not.

In the name of Fear, I give up, on fear itself; on worries, on doubts.

A long break this has been. A good one. One I was desperately in need of. I escaped. There has been a life I quit, people I ran away; to and from, a whole world I chose to leave behind. I thought it would help me keep my mind off everything, but no. Quite the contrary, it gave way to thinking, which I eventually realized I need quite as much.

The outcome was: change. Sheer change. Blunt and bold. Drastic. I needed such solitude for such amendments to take place. And it did. And still is.

Now my break comes to an end. So does the world I have created for my own during what I could possibly refer to as: spiritual rehab. I am reintroducing myself, once more, into this life. I am reintegrating myself, or rather, the newer version of myself.

Change is good. It feels better, stronger, and if possible, much much more certain and mature. Throughout this time, I’ve found peace. my thoughts ripened.

Change. It’s not over. And that’s the challenge now; to maintain the outcome of a rough time.

Putting up my genuine 15 inch smile, I start over.

I’ve been trying to monitor my attitude lately. This last week has been a good chance for some personal evaluation. Ive been pushing my thinking further and deeper; broader.

“Why?” was one of the useful tools, I personally found handy. It was more of the ache that starts every productive chain of thought. I might fail to fetch an answer, there could be no answer in the first place, or maybe a bunch of them. Whatever! Whatever it was, why has been the push, the trigger that maintains the ache, that just keeps you looking around. For anything and everything.
And with every stop there is a “why” that diverts your thoughts into something even bigger, or smaller. Again, whatever. What matters is that there’s always something for you to stumble upon after every why that comes your way.

Why is the key. Unlock the gates, don’t just jump over. Train your mind, to think, to ask; to question why. You are your own guide.

So ask. Keep questioning. Embrace the enthusiasm of the question, why. Unleash your thinking, give your thoughts the pleasure of diverging and converging midst a pool of questions.

Engage your curiosity to broaden your knowledge. Embrace the inquisition of the mentality of a child.

Keep asking until you master it’s art. Keep asking, phrasing questions, playing them around. Never stop. Just ask.

Why?

Too tired, or rather scared to drag myself into endless over-thinking, my mind decided to rather sing.

A sleepless night, this shall be. And If sleep puts me to rest; a dreamless sleep I hope it becomes.

Beep.

Her hearing ached.

Beep.
Beep. 

Her eyelids parted. Blurred vision. Blinding lights blurred her sight even more. She flipped her body to the other side, dug her face into the pillow.

Beep. Bee…

The sound faded…

Dripping water; a droplet chasing another, echoing in emptiness. Breaking rays of light shone dimly from a wooden cracking wall embracing the dampness. She dug her feet a few steps further into muddy puddles until the mud suddenly solidified; A staircase of cracking wood rotting into moisture. She carried her feet and dropped them onto the wood before her. It squeaked. Up she went, slowly. It squeaked again. Louder. She looked up; a whirlpool of stairs swinging in nowhere. The stairs below her shook, dissembled, and started falling down. Sucked into darkness. Up she ran. Away, as fast as her muddy outfit enabled her, from the void beneath. The void grew wider, faster,  chasing her upwards. Her muscles ached, her lungs chocked, she was running out of breath and out of energy to carry herself further up against the force dragging her, sucking her breath, and strength, away. She gasped for air; her heart dibbled. Suddenly her breathing ceased. A couple of heartbeats echoed before they vanished into complete silence. Her expressions froze, bold; her mouth wide open, her eyes stuck out. The swish of her last breath echoed.  She stepped into nothingness.

Beep. Beep. Bee… 

Blood shot eyes unveiled a landscape of bushy meadows sealed in a bright bright blue sky. The wind tickled her dry skin filling her lungs up with air. The silk of her dress floated in thin air. She walked, with eyes fixed at  a distant horizon growing nearer. And nearer… And nearer…So close that she seemed to trip over; so suddenly that her breath clogged her windpipe. She was a hundred meters above a wild ocean. Blue waters, deep. Very deep. With waves slamming the boulders beneath in selfish hunger. The rocks beneath her feet dissolved into pebbles. Helpless, her body fell along, again, into nothingness. Her corpse smashed into the waters.

Beep.

Again, her eyelids parted. Blurred vision, yet a little less than before. She flipped her body back onto the other side. Face still dug in the pillow.

Beep. Beep. Bee…

The sound faded…

… into a sea softly lapping. Her body floated. A sandy shore. The lapping grew louder. A blue fabric wrapped her sore body. Dry, but for its ends. She pulled her feeble structure up, her feet barely carried her. Sand grains tickled her toes. She walked… It was only a few steps before the shore disappeared into a dessert. Sand dunes, everywhere. Grains of sand danced in winds that slowly howled into a roaring storm. Her bare feet were sown deep into the sand until one blow plucked her out. She flew.

Beep. Bee…  

Violins. She could hear them play from behind the clouds. A thick lush forest grew wild in plants that slowly arranged themselves into a neatly packed maze of greenery. She walked. The violins played louder; sweet sweet melodies. Her heart trembled. She walked; dragging the tail of a decent white dress with a faint spill of pink and a flower adorned along the curve of her waist. The same flower that suddenly multiplied along the edges of her path. Curls of her dark hair dangled over her face, dancing before her eyes.

She walked. Into the perfectly packed cuboids of greenery. The violins faded. Birds murmured a few more notes. Then, everything seemed to shut up. Quietness.

Beep.

All she could hear was her heartbeats beginning to race.

Beep. 

A hand grabbed her arm. The flesh beneath it’s grip turned sore. Her heartbeats lost their sync. A soft breeze cuddled the curls away from her eyes. The hand slowly loosened its grip. He stood still, behind her subtle existence. He whispered words she couldn’t hear. But the voice! It was the a voice she knew perfectly well. One that quickly and abruptly alerted her senses.  Her eyes rolled in circles as she fetched her mind for a name tag to that voice. He murmured words that flew in a decent sedating tone. Her eyes seemed to stand still, as though her mind found a match. Her lips parted. A desperate smile pinched her cheeks. Her eyes froze in wild bewilderment. Her heart beats echoed.

Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub…

She slowly turned her head. Her world flashed into brightness except for the figure growing clearer in front of her.

Beeeeeeeeeeep.

Her eyelids repelled one another. Her eyes froze in an expressionless face. A rush of warm air into her stretching lungs slowly restored her senses. She gulped… She gulped again, then sighed. Her head, heavy with an erupting memory tilted to the side. The same faint smile slowly introduced some life to her face. 

She remembered.

Beep.
Beep.

It was him…

My heavenly mess

Beautiful morning this has been. Bright, peaceful and quiet. Home has never been so inviting, so fresh with sunlight. So warm. I renewed my love to the couch for an hour or so, reading. Nothing is better than a good morning and a book to keep oneself in good company.

But I needed more, more than just a book. There was a tension that only painting could ease. Colours, yes! The smell of oil was so pungent, yet so soothing. Sedating. Once again, I parted with this world into my own.