Fantasy of lights and reflections

Seine River – Paris, France

I’ve never realized how the lights around us could become magnificently beautiful, never thought how their simplicity could reflect sheer beauty until I’ve stopped to witness how water, in all its forms, and lights, with all their intensities could make a perfect couple!

(2009)

Midnight. I stood by that bridge on the edge of the Siene River, Paris. Didn’t seem that dark to me. Definitely not. These  lights lit the bridge and the entire spot. Their rays shattered and scattered on the rippling waves of black which reflected a pattern of ultimate beauty to be interrupted by a vivid beam of colours soaring from a cruising boat. This left me staring (…and licking that ice cream I had in hand. One of the best strawberry ice cream I’ve ever had, honestly 🙂 ).

That was the masterpiece. An art of shadows, lights, and water to keep gazing and smiling at. It got even colder a while later. Chilling actually. I havent had enough yet, or maybe I have, but I still wanted more. My feet were sore for I’d been walking for nearly two hours. There were the stairs. I sat down, stretched, and looked up to the sky. Lights were all around me.

Now I get why they call it ‘The City of Lights’, It’s far more beautiful at night than it is during daytime!

 

 

 

When bored, paint!

Yet another oil painting of mine

5 scenes to flicker my brain for no good reason!

1

2 The only thing you had left was your life, but it wasn’t, was it? You found something else. In that cell you found something that mattered more to you than life

 

(The entire movie is a masterpiece really, would actually dedicate an entire post for that :D, anyway moving on… )

3 No mistakes in tango. Not like life. Simple.. thats what makes tango so great. Its simple..If you make a mistake you get tangled up.. just tango on

 

4 Now you’re looking for the secret. But you won’t find it because of course, you’re not really looking. You don’t really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.

 

5 You’re waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don’t know for sure. But it doesn’t matter. Because you’ll be together.

(Again, this movie is just another masterpiece. God, I’d watch it over and over again!)

Abandoned

Her eyelids part; she scans the room. She gulps, forces some air into her collapsing lungs, scans the room one more time; gulps and breathes again, then a sigh; awake. She stares at the shadows over her window, her senses escape her, urged by an unexplained racing heart, and diverge fading into quietness… He’s not there. He no longer whispers. Sigh. Her heart sinks in. It was only a dream; a very silly dream.

It has been a while since she last missed him. A couple pf months? Probably even more. The heart she once abandoned beats, this time in agony. Why now? Her eyelids shut again. They burn, as the dream flashes. Her mind remembers; going back far beyond the dream into memories of what seems a long long time ago. It’s not. Remorse.

His face flashes. The curls of his hair dangle along. His eyes flicker into the image that floats the darkness behind the eyelids she pressed so hard. She wasn’t quite sure if she just wanted to keep the face she once loved revived, or if she was in so much pain that she couldn’t pull them apart. Either way, she kept pressing them, harder and harder. The memories flooded.

He held her hands, pressed them into his, harder every time. He kept her close; so close, he wrapped her in his arms, placed her head over his shoulder, watched her fall; for him, into him, and into sleep. He whispered love into her ears, his eyes followed her, kept an eye on her and craved her. He’s made her cry yet His hands slid her cheeks, his fingers wiping her tears away, patting her shoulders; in reassurance; in love.

And for the first time in that too too long she wished he was there. To hold her, to wipe these rivers away, to drag her with him and into him; to love her like he once did.

For the first time, she sheds the layers of herself to reveal one so broken and shattered.

Eternal, she thought it was. Immortal and infinite; forever. And forever he was gone; along with everything else.
Why? She still asks. She still gets no answer. She abandons her heart, yet it still aches. Why now? She doesn’t want any of this anymore, she’d abandoned it all.

Her despise to weakness and despair pushes the memories away; eats her heart away, reinstalling the rigid backbone of nothingness into her. She gulps, pushes some air further into her, deeper. She tries to split her eyelids apart but they’re glued with tears. Sigh. She finally opens her eyes. Numb.

She shouldn’t be looking back. His memories are no longer welcomed.
A rush of air into her lungs runs chills down her body.

Enough with people. Enough with the world.

” He promised her the world then he left her alone in it”

She abandons people.
She abandons the world.

Slip Away.

Some of my sketches. 🙂

 

 

 

Psychopath?

She can feel; absolutely nothing.

Not love, not hate. Not ecstasy, not agony. Not pride, not shame. Nothing.  Desensitized; detached from herself. A heart, beating numb. She can’t feel; she can only think and if doesn’t make its way through her brain then it’s not through.

What has she become?

The world is becoming less amusing by the minute. She eloped; with her logic into a different world of her own creation leaving sentiments behind; eaten away by ignorance and confusion of people. Physically she exists; emotionally she’s gone and replaced by a vital and strong mental presence.

One that searches herself for the heart she once had. A void she finds; filled up by the arguments of a brutally witty mind.
Her sentiments left off to a different world.

What has she turned into? A Psychopath?

Smile

Smile. With or without a reason. Put it up and stick it up there. Keep it. Mean it.

Smile. With cheeks, teeth and everything.

Smile, because it means a lot seeing you do.

One moment, is all I ask for. One moment, where you leave it all behind, where you keep your mind, and heart, at ease. Cease the thinking. Drop off the burden, drop off the weight of the world. Fly yourself away. Anywhere, so distant; so close. Anywhere you feel safe. Be safe. Look back at me, and smile.

A moment is all it’ll take. Pretty long  it’ll last.

This, I owe you my friend.

Smile, if once, for my sake.

Smile. At me, at anything, at everything.

Into sleep

The world goes to sleep; I wake up. Rays of fading light slip the edges of the door cracking the darkness of my room. It’s cold; I switch the AC off. Much quieter. I drag my body back into my bed, stumbling upon things I fail to recognize. I fall into cold crispy sheets. I can’t tell the colour; it’s dark, I’m sleepy, and I don’t care. My body crashed; sore. I stretched, then crawled into myself. I stared at a blackened ceiling that I chose to think of rather as my gateway to sky. Just as black. I shoved some air into my lungs, and it seemed to take more energy than it should. Letting it flow out was even harder.

Everything ached. Sigh.

Thoughts eluded my mind, ache ate my heart away. There were the  memories I didn’t want to remember, the feelings I didn’t want to feel anymore, the questions I refused to answer and the reasons I refused to give in to. I was my own throe.

Somewhere between the life I once had, and the life I craved I had lost myself. Somewhere between a haunting past and a daunting future, I lost my present. I was shedding layers of myself. I wanted to escape; myself and my being.
I flipped my body aside. My face dug a hole into the  pillow; my hands clutched another one, pressing harder every time I manage to shove another bunch of alternating memories and thoughts into my collapsing mind.

I had a life that suddenly slipped away, that was painfully ripped away, and ripped me along.Why? I have never known. Where did it go? Who took it away? I have never known. And I no longer bother. If only I could erase a memory; seal it so tightly, wrap it so decently, ship it safely to where it belongs then destroy it to bits and pieces.

I rub my face. I sigh, I listen to the heartbeats that are no longer mine. My eyelids grow heavier and heavier. I wait for sleep to take me away.

Into sleep I forget. Into sleep I escape.

 

Nothingness

Streets; quietly sedating into the midnight emptiness. Streetlamps shed beautiful beams of shades of yellowish-orange. An array of alternating shadows and lights painted the pavement. They twisted until they merged into a seemingly endless one that narrowed into a curving horizon, eaten away by patches of a blackened sky, darkened stars, and a moon blushing in subtle redness. Still quiet, still sedating…

Winds blew in howling batches, a few swishes here and there, a few thuds… Then once again, more howls fading into whistles. She whistled along, not quite sure what was the right melody for such a tune, but she whistled as her legs dragged her into nothingness.

Where she was coming from, or heading to she didn’t know, and she didn’t care. She wanted to be alone; she wanted to be gone, to escape the noises into quietness, to escape the people and the entire world into herself. She left nowhere; to nowhere.

Her mind ached. Her heart ached…

And only this nothingness could sooth such ache, only this emptiness would ease the pain and rid herself of the burden she carried. What was it she didn’t know, and she was already too tired to pose questions neither run after answers. Nothing. She craved nothing, wanted nothing, felt nothing. Numb; Physically. Emotionally.

Mind and heart ceased to function. Not simultaneously, not independently. She shut them down, and let the winds drag her, tickle her, cuddle her, and sing her a lullaby. She stared at the end she couldn’t see. She kept walking, leaving behind all what’s left of her and in her. She kept walking, from emptiness, in emptiness, and to emptiness.

Emptiness kept her safe. And to streets, she was thankful.

Remorse

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for what has been, what could have been and what could have never been. I’m sorry for the memory, and for the fantasy; for pleasures before the pain; for what died, what was left behind, and whatever still remains.

I’m sorry…

For what I am, what I was… What I’ve become and what I couldn’t be. I’m sorry for what I couldn’t or shouldn’t do; For the words I have and haven’t said, for the questions I asked and the ones I never answered.

I’m sorry, for what it was, and what it wasn’t; for what was given and what was taken away…

I’m sorry. For the weakness beneath the strength, the truth behind the lies… For the distance that brings closer, For the understanding that brings confusion, for the soothing ache and restrained temptation… for the desire.

I’m sorry. For what was lost and never found… In fear and with fear… For the questions, and answers. For all the knowns.. and unknowns… The variables and constants…

For anything; so big, so little…