Posts Tagged ‘Memories’

One, two, three, four…

The beat echos in the emptiness of herself.

One, two, three, four…

An arid breath flows into her. She glides through…

Eyes closed, hands in the correct posture; she embraces the vacancy between her arms.

She swings, gripping the emptiness that flows between her fingers. Her steps slide, a lock step. She sways, an inside turn, an outside turn… She drags herself, a walk.

One, two, three, four…

A Chasse.

One, two, three, four…

Dos-a-dos.

One, two, three, four…

The air whirls as she moves. Memories flash…

She swirls, and  loses herself between what was and what could be.

She floats upon the emptiness she holds close, only to drown into it.

One, two, three, four…

The pace slows down.

One, two, three, four…

She melts. The air she has molded into a dear significant is slowly vaporized, leaving mists of remembrance to dry on her cheeks.

“Saw your beauty and I kept in mind
Imagine your smell and touch
Imagine all of us”

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You have been stuck in my memory for so long that you have become so rotten, even yet you show up quite often that your memory still lingers; so fresh.

This, I say…
In the abyss of remembrance; to and for a memory that with time grows yet so dear to my heart than it ever was. And do I owe it to sheer reminisce or rather to remorse that I do not know.

This, I say…
In a time so timeless; ticking back to reverse. And have I lost track of time because I have come so far or rather because I have never really stepped forward in the first place, that , also, I do not know.

And this, do I say out of craving or out of resentment?

I do not know.
I do not know.

Sentiments are pathetic, really. I haven’t completely turned into a psychopath yet, thus I am still ought to at least acknowledge the feelings as they rise; as they exist and persist only to add to the irritation.
Through the following, I hereby acknowledge a flamboyant state of unexplained, and certainly unwanted,  nostalgia that surfaces as reminiscing involuntarily imposes…
Emptiness is no longer a valid state when reminiscing still purges memories into oneself. And how could one be so vacant when nostalgia compensates for the void within?
There’s a memory that never fades, that no matter how quick one heals and how perfect the wound seals, it remains so vibrant, so poignant; so significant that it soon mimics the presence of what’s been absent.

There was once a feeling; now crippled, if not dead. And every time your heart craves it, your mind slowly flourishes a memory, that revives the corpse of how it once felt; to be alive.  And it soothes the soul, because the intensity of what pours into one’s mind is so drastic that it dramatically flips everything upside down; turning the vacant full, and the absent present.
So close…

So close it becomes to how it was once like.
The beauty of a world once created now crumbled and collapsed. Its relics shrank into a memory, its realms bound by the premises of a mind that apparently failed to comprehend what it is like to forget.

And the more you push yourself to forget the more your mind squeezes fertile visions of the lagging past that overlaps its present. A blurred mind, an impaired heart; soon they both embrace the warmth of remembrance rather than the ache of fighting it.
And how could one not remember when what it was is nothing like what had ever been nor anything of what will ever be?

So unconditional it came to life, so peaceful it grew, so blind and reluctant it was mislead…
So innocently it withered away.
Missing you is a right I have ceased to attain.

I am where I was once scared to be, but it’s not as scary as the image I once coupled it to within the depth of my imagination. Far beyond gone, I’ve been.
But I owe it to every memory I behold within myself to remember.
To forget is yet only another sin only the ungrateful are to be accused of.
To forget is yet only another tag for insignificance I’ll unfairly label you with if only I happen to forget.

Softly, it creeps next to me. An aura of warmness that slowly structures and reforms itself as it grows into a fading existence, a subtle creation of my restless subconscious. A substitute to ease my burning desire, to bring the ache to an end, and to revive a memory once abolished.

Softly, it crawls into the abyss within myself. A temporary sense of living lures; A heartbeat. An extended breath that goes deep into the pits of pierced lungs. My subconscious revels in the ambiance of a once relevant atmosphere. Pampered with the lust it feels once again. Tarnished feelings reborn.

Softly, it embraces me. It slides over my skin, soothes the twitching body,  fills up the spaces between my fingers, presses over my feeble hands, sucking the pain out of a vulnerable me. A presence, I can’t see. A presence that grows potent and significant towards my side. Provoking.

A rush of cold air blows, as though the ghost of my everlasting memory blew a sinister breath that evoked consciousness whining in remorse. Aching in remembrance, rendered helpless to pathetic reminiscing.

A sigh escaped. A tear followed, as the relics of an existence my subconsciousness put together was vaporized into nothingness. Sheer nothingness. Vanished into thin air.

The memory subsides.

Time is no magic. It heals no wounds, it erases no memory.

You don’t need time.

Time is only a weak excuse for the weak. Time flies, leaves you behind, stuck in reverse; somewhere between past and present.

Time will not vaporize a feeling. It might suppress it, but never completely demolished.
Time will not vaporize a memory, unless you do it yourself.

Time is no good.

Time will not ask your questions nor dig up answers for them. Time will not explain; time will not tell. Time will only pile up your life into stacked memories, and slip away leaving you buried beneath them as they all crumble over you.

You don’t need time.

Worse it becomes with time. It doesn’t go away. No, it doesn’t. It stays, it rots within yourself, it aches and eats you away. The void grows into an abyss.

Time drains you empty.
Time is an enemy, not an ally.

Don’t wait for time to fix you up. You don’t need time to pluck the memory sown so deep into your mind. It won’t, and it never will.

Time is only a matrix where you elude along with your life and a bunch of memories that adhere.

If only they vanish along with the people who vanished.

 

Quiet.

Sink into the depth of yourself. Float in the vacancy of a heart drained empty. Breathe. Ventilate the closed chamber within. Welcome yourself into the void of your own. Fall. Slowly, quietly. Drown.

Quiet.

The music plays. Listen, as you sink. Peacefully, silently. Again, breathe, as you slide into the darkness of your soul. How dark is it there? How far have you gone?

You fall. Faster and faster. Until you bounce, on a cozy bed of memories. Your heart rebounds. Does it feel? Your mind twitches. Does it remember? You still bounce… And the stories bounce along, floating all together in the vacancy of emotions once abandoned.

Desire has diminished into nothingness. Only a beautifully provocative brain still remains, still reminisces, still remembers, a feeling rather than a memory, still describes a story not a character, still active in useless remembrance.

Quiet.

The music proceeds.
Transport yourself into a fantasy that ceased to exist.

Pour a vision into a dreamless sleep.

 

Fear is weakness; and I’m not weak. Fear is numb, but I feel. Fear is restraint, so I decided to break free.

With every word you’re afraid to speak, there’s truth that is buried down, feelings that die out, a life that is vaporized. With every step you’re afraid to take, there’s a chance lost; once and forever; once and for all, there’s time; the wait that drives people away.

There is regret. This time, rather for what you didn’t do, what you didn’t say, for the one moment you let it slip away.

In the name of Fear, I regret… The words I was too weak to speak, the chances – from the tiniest to the biggest of them- that I was too scared to take, the life I was too fragile to hold on to, to fight for, to run after, to chase with every ounce of energy and to cherish with every heart beat.

In the name of Fear, I apologize; to myself, to people; the closest of them and the most distant, and to the world. I apologize… For escaping, for running away; for denying myself the right to exist; to feel, for hiding; from a reality I thought I was too shattered to face, too helpless to endure.

I am not.

In the name of Fear, I give up, on fear itself; on worries, on doubts.